i guess it really is bothering me more than i thought.
only i can really understand this post.
she kept asking the same question.. whenever she had the chance. i gave her the same answer every single time. today, she asked the same question again. i answered with the same reply i had always given. she knew though. she knew i was lying. she knew i was keeping something from her. i couldn’t lie to her again, of all people,.. i can’t lie to her. i gave in. i gave her the answer she wanted to hear. the true answer to her question.
uncomfortable. i was uncomfortable. the subject is not something i like to be asked about. bothered. i was bothered because she knew. scared. i was afraid of what was going to happen next or in the future. nervous. i was nervous because i didn’t know what her reaction would be or how she would take it. for her to understand this.. is not simple. it’s complicated for me, too complex to explain. we touched on the subject briefly, skinning the surface of it. With that said, i am still feeling uncomfortable, bothered, scared, and nervous.
it’s no secret, if someone wants to find out, they will get their answer somehow. However, it’s not something i would share with everyone, it’s not something i would make public and speak of out loud. the books been closed, im not ready for it’s stories to be retold yet. i guess i havent grown up about this as much as i thought i had.
she raised a question in my head that i’ve been trying to figure out how to handle if it were to happen. i gave her my answer. “..honestly, i dont know if i can actually handle seeing that"
sigh
on a side note, i posted this on tumblr too. i dont know why, i felt obligated to post a personal post like this on xanga.
